New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
