Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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