she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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