i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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