my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
