i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize