Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
