just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
