he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
