I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize