Jerry, you need to find god
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
