I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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