carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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