That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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