I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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