I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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