1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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