I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
