I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
