mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
