Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
