you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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