When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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