I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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