im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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