Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
