why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
