Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize