Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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