____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
