Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
