I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
