it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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