i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
