Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize