It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
