I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
