Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize