shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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