Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
