At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
