After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
