i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
