She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
