tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
