i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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