watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize