i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
