im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
