He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
