I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
