I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
