The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
