I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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