I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
