I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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