i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
