I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dignity is for republicans.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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