K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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