Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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