I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
