All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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