so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
