It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
