THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
