My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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