girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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