do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
birth control should be required to get into college
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
whose ass print is on the piano?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
