You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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